


It Might Take a Hundred Sleepless Nights

by lemonhopia



Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, F/M, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Revenge Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-14
Updated: 2019-05-07
Packaged: 2019-06-27 11:09:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15684225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lemonhopia/pseuds/lemonhopia
Summary: Sungjin was only looking for a release, but he found himself in a deeper mess than he initially created.





	1. A celebration of an ending

**Author's Note:**

> Based on Lany's Thru These Tears MV that I couldn't stop thinking about ever since Sungjin got a buzzcut.
> 
> PS: I totally forgot to add chapter titles.
> 
>  
> 
> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/lemonhopia)
> 
>  
> 
> [Twitter](twitter.com/lemonhopia)

With one last look at his dirty blonde undercut in the mirror, Sungjin steadied his hand and turned the hair clipper on. He ran a hand through his hair a final time, and worked his way from the sides. Then front to back. Wavy locks fell on the bathroom sink, collecting in a small pile. He took a step back and studied his reflection. His skin looked paler than usual, and his undereye circles more pronounced due to lack of sleep. Satisfied with his handiwork, he put the clipper down and leaned with both arms on the sink. This was supposed to make him feel lighter and freer right? The weight on his shoulders still felt the same. He let out a forced laugh and proceeded with clearing the mess he made on the sink. Maybe this wasn’t as easy as he originally thought.

* * *

 

One more cigarette and he’s out, Sungjin told himself. He watched the smoke escape him as he stood with his back against the wall. His band just finished their set, and he wasn’t in the mood for the usual Friday night with his friends. He wasn't up to his other "routine" either. He can pretty much call it a routine now, with how easy it has become to fill his bed with a different girl whenever he wanted to. And like every routine, it gets old. What started out as a fun way to forget Hana turned into clockwork. Get drunk enough, pick up a girl (or two) to take back to his apartment, then have them leave before morning so they won't have to see how much of a mess he actually is in daylight. The night conceals a lot. Colors are hidden from full view when you're only illuminated by the moonlight and the blinding stage lights. But he can't hide anything from himself, even if he tries to. The emptiness comes creeping back at sunrise, and the bed is still empty where Hana used to fill it with her warmth. That void crept up to him when he least wanted to, and it was coldest on mornings when he’s back in the covers alone. She was like the sunlight filtering through the blinds at sunrise. And without her everything in him was cold.

"Sungjin! Can you snap out of your quarter-life crisis for a moment and help me out here?" His thoughts were interrupted upon hearing Brian's voice calling him from the back door of the club. Putting out his last cigarette he didn't even realize he had already finished, Sungjin headed inside. Brian led him back to their table where an almost passed out Jae was sprawled beside a chair, and Seo Yoon was trying to get him to sit up straight. Sungjin rolled his eyes in annoyance at the sight.  
"Can you help us take this giraffe home?" Seo Yoon said, eyes on Sungjin, as she stepped aside to let the two boys pass through. "You can still drive right?" She sounded worried.  
"Yeah don't worry about it, we'll get him home. I’ll get you home too." Sungjin answered with a smile.  
The boys put Jae's arms around their shoulders and helped him walk to Sungjin's car, with Seo Yoon trailing behind them.  
"Fuck you're heavy," Brian complained, a little out of breath.  
After a few minutes of struggling, they finally get drunk Jae in the backseat, with his head laying on Brian's lap.  
“Hmmmm comfyyyy~” Jae groaned at the sudden change of space, adjusting himself in the cramped seat.  
“God Jae I swear I will kill you if you throw up on me.” Brian muttered under his breath. He could feel Sungjin’s death glare from the driver's seat at the mention of throwing up.  
“Hey Bob! I like your hair… or lack of it?” Jae called out, unruly blonde hair covering his eyes and giggling.  
Sungjin shook his head and laughed in response. They were a welcome distraction for now, but he just wanted this night - no, this month, this year, to end.

After dropping off Brian and Jae at their apartment, that left Seo Yoon with Sungjin.  
“Let's get you home then?” Sungjin asked while fastening his seatbelt, turning to Seo Yoon.  
“What's with you lately? First you chop all your hair off, then we don’t see you stumbling home drunk at 2am with some random girl clinging to you anymore. Is this some kind of overhaul? A Sungjin 2.0 coming?” Seo Yoon leaned back on the passenger seat and looked at him intently, scanning his face for an answer. She could always see through him, and often saw things he didn’t want to see for himself. From the day they met as music majors at uni, her presence has been something he found comfort in. When he was known as fuckboy Sungjin, asshole Sungjin, she was one of the few who stood by him.  
Sungjin shrugged, tapping his fingers restlessly on the steering wheel. “Are you that used to me using sex and alcohol as a coping mechanism?”  
“Oh, so that’s it then,”  
“I don’t really know what else it could be.”  
There was a brief moment of silence, both unsure what to say.  
“Well, has it been working?” Seo Yoon broke the awkward air first, fingers playing with the stray threads on the rips of her tight black jeans.  
“Honestly,” Sungjin started, but unsure how to continue, “it did, at first.. But now I’m not so sure.”  
He really didn’t know. Everytime he was finished with someone new he only felt more hollow than he did before. Maybe he needed a different kind of healing now. Hana doesn’t give a shit about him anymore. She didn’t want him any longer, so he showed her how easy it was to replace her. Everything he has been doing to fuck up his life was to spite her, and knows he should stop but he couldn’t. Not when every fiber of his being was craving for one last release, one final blow to end the chaos he willingly threw himself into.

“You’ll be fine. Eventually.” Seo Yoon then flashed a smile that ignited a flame he didn’t realize still lived within him.  
“You know what? I change my mind. I don’t want to end this night yet.”  
He couldn’t help it. Sungjin leaned in to kiss her, slowly at first, and felt her melt under his touch. She was surprised but didn’t hesitate to wrap her arms around his neck, pulling him closer, deepening the kiss. His hands suddenly didn’t know what to do or where to go first. He ran his fingers through her hair, pulled her closer by the back of her neck, slid his hand to her waist under her sweater. There was so much of her to take in, and seemingly not enough time to do so.  
“You’re shaking,” Seo Yoon pulled away first, out of breath, holding his face in her hands and smiling.  
“It’s just… ” Sungjin felt exposed, blood rushing to his cheeks and all his confidence from a few minutes ago gone in a second. He didn’t know if it was because kissing Seo Yoon was always something his subconscious was screaming at him to do, or because he avoided kissing anyone he slept with in fear of getting too close. Probably both. “Why did we do that only now?” He didn’t want to know the answer, be he still left the question out in the open. Maybe it was the soft glow from the street lamps that made him see Seo Yoon in a new light, maybe it was the way her eyes looked at him so keenly and with such warmth. Either way, it made him want to break down the walls he had been building for a long time. He couldn’t hear himself think anymore, all he can hear at this point is his own heartbeat ringing in his ears.  
“I’d rather not find out.”


	2. It only takes one night to fuck up my life

The drive to Seo Yoon’s apartment was a tensed silence. It took all of Sungjin’s willpower to keep his hands to himself and his eyes on the road, surprised they made it to her place with clothes and sanity intact. 

Just one night. One last night and one last girl and he's done lying to himself that filling his bed was the best way to fill his heart. At least that's what he kept telling himself. With the way Seo Yoon was leading him by the hand to her doorway, that promise seems further away from reality.

She was strong, resolute, and confident; everything that he could ever want.  
He was insecure, indecisive, and emotionally unavailable; everything she should stay away from. 

But look at them now. Two bodies out of control, betraying every limit their minds have set.

As soon as the door closed, he gripped Seo Yoon by the waist and pushed her against the wall. Their mouths found each other once again. Sungjin was starving, intent on getting his fill. He wanted all of her in every way. He grabbed her by the hair and pulled her even closer as their tongues fought in a breathless battle.  
“Wait-” Seo Yoon giggled and pushed gently against his chest, feeling his muscles tense under her touch. “Can’t wait ‘til we reach the bedroom?”  
“You don’t look so patient yourself,” Sungjin teased, leaning in again to trail kisses and bites from her jaw to her collarbones.  
Seo Yoon slipped out his grasp to make her follow him to the bedroom. His shirt was the first one to go the moment the door was shut. The sight in front of him was truly something to behold. Hungry eyes, swollen lips, and a body burning to be undone. All his. 

He looked down and saw fingers pull him closer by his jeans’ belt loops, lust-filled eyes looking up at him and making him strain harder against the fabric of his jeans. Any trace of inhibition he might have still had remaining disappeared when Seo Yoon started to unzip, fondling him through the thin fabric of his boxers. Slowly, Seo Yoon released him, soft and warm hands getting to work right away.

Sungjin gasped at the contact, his grip on her shoulders almost leaving a bruise.   
“Fuck-” He groaned and threw his head back when Seo Yoon’s hand was replaced by her mouth. She licked from base to tip and back excruciatingly slow and smiled up at Sungjin, driving him wild.   
His breathing grew heavier by the second when she took all of him in, bucking his hips and mind blanking at the sweet sight of Seo Yoon choking on his length. All of a sudden, his high comes to a halt when she stops and pulls out with a loud and wet pop.  
“Hey, save some for later,” Seo Yoon chuckled, still holding him in one hand, and gave him a gentle squeeze.

With that, clothes were discarded in a blur. Sungjin pushed Seo Yoon down to the bed, her legs dangling from the edge. His mouth met hers again, even messier, needier than before. His fingers dipped down and his breath hitched upon feeling how wet and ready she was. Seo Yoon moaned loudly into the kiss, grinding her hips against his fingers, begging for friction. His lips made its way down, sucking and nipping at the skin. She whimpered when he moved away from between her legs, going straight to and lingering longer than needed on the inside of her thighs. Her grip on the bed sheets tightened when started licking upwards little by little, his tongue hitting the spot she has been begging for contact the most.   
Sungjin hasn’t been this exhilarated in a long time, loving every second that Seo Yoon squirms under his touch.

“Please… fuck… I.. I want you now,” Seo Yoon moaned and clawed at Sungjin’s arm holding down one of her thighs, struggling to form coherent words. His slick tongue was enough to send her over the edge and she needed more.   
Sungjin was still in a daze when he stood up and reached for the condom Seo Yoon handed him, hands suddenly unsteady as he was trying to put it on.

Hovering over her, he pinned down both of her arms and kissed her gently before pushing in at full force. Both she and the bed made noises he would love to hear every night. He kept a steady pace, Seo Yoon’s hips meeting his own, wanting him even deeper. Obliging to her craving, he placed her on her knees and entered from behind. He went painfully slow at first, wanting to drive her insane. Hearing her whimper in protest just made him want to tease her more. Being the big tease he is, Sungjin went even slower, circling his hips with every thrust.  
“Fuck you- oh god... Sungjin... fuck,” She moaned breathlessly, her face pressed into the pillow.  
Sungjin still continued at his deliberate pace and leaned down to breathe in her ear.   
“Say please.” He whispered in a low, raspy voice, and pulled at her hair just enough to send a wave of shivers through her body.  
“P-please... please... Harder please,”   
Seo Yoon pleading, uttering his name like a prayer, was music to his ears. He gave one powerful thrust after another like how she begged him to. Nails were digging into her hips as his grip grew tighter and she loved the sting. The pounding grew heavier and the fire in his gut burned hotter, earning muffled screams from Seo Yoon and leaving her gasping for air.  
He felt her contract around him and he was aching to let go. In one swift move, he flipped her over and released on her stomach, shuddering at the pleasure hitting him like a wave.

They stayed like that for a moment, Sungjin propped up on one arm hovering over her, both unable to speak and breath and frozen in each other’s intense gaze. Words were forgotten as soon as they came down from their high. 

It ends here, right? Sungjin thought to himself as he watched Seo Yoon clean herself up. He wanted to leave and let the night end here, but his body didn’t want to listen.   
Sungjin already got what he wanted but he wanted more. He needed more.  
All consequences be damned, he wrapped her in his arms and kissed her. Slow and passionate this time. Her taste on his tongue was the venom he wanted to savor until it killed him.

“We’ll do this again right?” Seo Yoon asked, sounding unsure for the first time tonight, face buried in the crook of his neck.  
“Why not?” All his fears and insecurities crashed down on him all at once and it won’t take long for her to catch on. His voice masked the panic in his eyes. He was thankful she couldn’t see him at that moment. 

Now it was his turn to leave before morning.


	3. Like the calm before the storm

Everything has been a hazy blur since that night. Seo Yoon doesn't seem to question yet why he's always out of her bed before the sun is up, and he hopes she doesn't. All Sungjin knows is he's content right now, whatever this is they have, anything that is keeping her by his side.

 

How long they could last like this, he had no idea. But right now it feels so right and he didn't want to come down from this high. Because he knows coming down means crashing hard.

 

Sungjin scanned through the bodies on the dance floor, eyes fixed on the crowd looking for a certain familiar form. Only one more shot of whiskey. He can't be too wasted tonight. Resting one elbow on a high table near the bar, he watched Seo Yoon move smoothly to the pulsing music alongside Jimin and Ayeon.

 

“You know, you’ll melt her if you keep staring like that,” He was surprised by Jae popping up right behind him, leaning in a bit too close to his ear and half-yelling his words because of the loud music. He was eyeing Seo Yoon so intently that he almost didn’t notice Brian and Jae staring at him with amused and knowing looks on their faces while sipping on their drinks. 

“I’m not staring, I’m just waiting,” Sungjin chuckled in that way that makes the corners of his eyes crinkle, suddenly caught off-guard.

“Can’t wait to leave?” Brian teased, grinning and resting his chin on his hand.

Jae laughed and elbowed Brian playfully in the ribs. There really is no escaping these two. 

Before he could answer, he felt a presence coming from behind him. The presence he's been waiting for since earlier tonight. Seo Yoon's arm brushed against his and he had to fight the urge to just take her hand and walk out of that dark, stuffy bar.

 

“You boys are so boring, are you all just gonna stand here?” Seo Yoon remarked, smirking at Jae.

“At least those two are having fun,” She gestured at the dancefloor where Dowoon was dancing awkwardly while trying to keep a really drunk and annoying Wonpil under control.

Jae burst out giggling at the sight of the two.

“Fine, we’re gonna challenge Wonpil to a showdown, but only if you join us,” Jae challenged.

“You do know I can out-dance all of you right?” Sungjin chuckled and raised an eyebrow at Jae and Brian.

“Pssh, just tell me you’re scared and go,” Ok, this guy is indeed drunk.

“Nah I’ll pass, I have to go, I have a brunch date with Jimin tomorrow. You know how she gets when I’m late,” Seo Yoon finished the last of her drink and yawned a bit too dramatically to emphasize how tired she was. They didn't press further, but as usual, they were met with teasing smiles and suggestive glances. 

“Jae, let’s go, let’s not bother Sungjin anymore,” Brian snickered and looped an arm into Jae's and dragged him into the dancefloor. “He has someone- oh I mean something- to do tonight,”

That earned him a kick on the shin from Sungjin, but Seo Yoon was just amused.

“Walk her home okay!” Jae called after them as Brian was almost dragging him away from the table, whispering to themselves once they were at a safe distance.

Sungjin gave him a thumbs up and turned to Seo Yoon as soon as Jae and Bri were out of sight.

 

“Actually… I moved that brunch date to an afternoon coffee date,” 

His breath hitched as she linked a finger to his. The electricity between them was too much.

“Great idea.”

 

With Seo Yoon leading the way, they headed outside and the chill of the night air hit them sharply in contrast to the hot and crowded bar. She abruptly stopped in front of Sungjin and turned to face him.

“Where to?”

“Are you really still asking this?” Sungjin gave her a puzzled but playful look. His arms carefully made their way around her waist.

“You really love my apartment, don’t you?” She giggled, looking up at Sungjin. He loved watching her like this, and he envied her in a way for not hesitating to go after what she wants. 

 

Of course, he loved her apartment. Her bedroom. The sheets that smelled like her. The dim lights in her bedroom made them seem real, like they weren't just two friends who share a bed. It was an unspoken agreement, both afraid that if their feelings materialize into words everything will fall apart.

 

However, he did dream of taking her places other than her bed. If only his heart could give way to what it wanted, things wouldn't be this hard. Everything he could ever need and want was right in front of him, and he was stuck on someone he couldn’t get back.

 

“C’mon, let’s get you home.” Sungjin held out his hand and hoped that Seo Yoon will always be willing to take it.

  
  


The red and green buttons seemingly stared at back at him on his phone screen. For the 3rd time, Sungjin ignored Dowoon’s call. They escaped the next round of drinks again, a habit they have gotten accustomed to for the past couple of weeks. Stumbling out the bar one after the other, giggling and hands linking and lips locking the moment they step out, making up lame excuses to explain their absence the next day.

 

It's not like their friends didn't know anyway.

The phone stopped ringing after the 4th call. He could picture it in his head right now: Brian taking the phone off Dowoon’s hands, convincing him to quit bugging his hyung and just walk Wonpil home.

How could they tell everyone about them though, if they themselves don’t exactly know what they have?

 

"Are we doing this again next week?" Seo Yoon asked, half-asleep and curled up under the blankets, watching Sungjin slip back into his clothes.

"Why not? Do you have plans?" Sungjin turned to her, buttoning up his shirt deliberately slow, his mind screaming at him to leave but his body moving in a completely different direction.

"No, but..." He froze when she sat up and draped her arms around his neck to pull him in closer for a kiss. "Just.. please don't leave,"

Those were the words he didn't want to hear. His heart was racing, fingers stopping on the third button from his chest, he didn't know how to answer. He didn’t know how to tell her he was terrified of having their secret little meetings last until daylight.

 

He knew they would eventually reach this point but nothing could have prepared him for it. This was the crash he had been expecting but couldn’t accept, the dreaded confrontation he knew he would have to face someday. All of that he realized the moment his lips landed on hers. Yet, he didn't stop. They didn't stop. Sungjin was completely consumed by the way Seo Yoon looks when she's tangled in the sheets, but he knows he wouldn't be able to handle it if he sees her under the soft morning light filtering through the blinds.

 

Her lips hovered over his for a few seconds that felt like an eternity.

There was a brief flash of disappointment in her eyes, and something else he couldn't pinpoint. Hurt? Longing? He wasn’t used to seeing her so open and so vulnerable.

"I want to, like, get breakfast with you or something," A hand traveled down his chest, playing with the buttons on his shirt. "You're never here when I wake up,"

Sungjin's words caught in his throat. Whether he says yes or no, he's fucked.

 

The warmth from her fingers seeping into his chest clouded his judgment. His hands found themselves on hers, calloused and firm against soft and slender, hoping the contact will give answers to the questions floating in his head. 

 

This was nothing, right? Just a temporary arrangement to keep off the pain? That was what he kept telling himself. But he knows he’s not listening.

 

This time, he had an answer. This time, he’s staying.

He planted a kiss on her forehead and settled down underneath the covers. 

“Go back to sleep, let’s get breakfast tomorrow.”


	4. The rest was all just small talk

After all this time, Sungjin never thought he would ever want to wake up next to someone else again. His bed has become a battlefield, every morning a constant struggle with himself, and he didn’t want to drag anyone into his war. Her bed was peace, it has become his comfort, though he couldn’t bear to sleep in it until now.

Same bed, same walls, and same ceiling, but they all feel so foreign to him in daylight. It was too early yet he was already awake way before Seo Yoon was. She was sleeping so peacefully beside him. He tried his hardest to walk out of her room, back to his cold apartment and shower off any traces of last night, and hopefully the past few weeks as well. If that’s even possible. End it, before you fall too hard, before she falls too hard, his mind screamed at him, wanting to defend itself from the unwelcome feelings blooming in his chest.

Maybe it’s not too late to get away, he thought as he looked for his clothes around the room. He’s too much and not enough; too much of a headache, and not enough to keep her happy. But as he was zipping up his jeans, he couldn’t bear to leave with her looking like that, the sunrise reflecting a soft golden glow on her skin and her chest rising and falling steadily under the sheets.

It’s not making things any easier. He fell back on the bed feeling defeated, his heart as heavy as his eyes falling on her sleeping form so serene and peaceful, guilt washing over him like he was doused with a bucket of cold water. His hand reached out to touch her without even thinking. He caressed her cheek in a way he couldn’t when she’s awake, and tucked a few stray strands of hair behind her ear.

All of this was overwhelming, too close and intimate and he wants to run away as far away as possible even if his heart is not letting him leave her bed. She’s the one sleeping naked under the covers yet it felt like he’s the one who was stripped bare. 

She stirred in her sleep, and he froze in his spot. Her eyes fluttered open and he was the first thing she saw upon waking up, a sleepy smile slowly forming on her face. How dare he even think about leaving and taking that smile away?

“You’re leaving already?” That was the first thing she asked. He can’t find it in his heart to say yes.

“Ah, no, I was just getting ready to go out for breakfast,” He mirrored her smile, not sure if it was himself or Seo Yoon that he’s trying to reassure that he is in fact willing to stay.

“Ok, I’ll get ready too,” She got up and placed a kiss on his cheek, running to the bathroom as soon as she got up. 

 

She’s beautiful. Sungjin has always known that. But now, all of her details and subtleties seem to be amplified. From the spaces between her fingers he wants to fill with his own, the curves of her lips he’s dying to kiss, and the tips of her hair brushing past her collarbones that his lips have grazed so many times. How could he not have noticed back then? Would he have been better off with Seo Yoon all along? He didn’t want to let it cross his mind, but it did.

Part of him wished she was all his, part of him had no idea how to keep her if she was. Not now when he's a mess, not until he can get his shit together. 

“You’re not touching your food,” Sungjin looked up from his bowl to find Seo Yoon staring at him with her head slightly tilted in question.

“Oh, right, I’m just not very hungry I guess,” Seo Yoon rolled her eyes in response but can’t help but look at him in concern.

“Sungjin, please, you can normally eat twice that amount, and I know you’re not hungover,”

He just kept on sipping his coffee, but eventually relented and finished his bowl of rice quickly so Seo Yoon will stop worrying. He’s tired after all, and it’s too early in the morning to deal with anything. Too many thoughts are running through his head, he figured it's better off if he’ll just shut up and finish his food. 

She didn’t press on, at least for the meantime, but the concern is evident in her face.  

The side dishes were next, and she let out a sigh, though not exactly a relieved one, as he suddenly finished them one by one when he wasn’t even touching any of them before. He was really just eating so he won’t be able to talk. 

They ate in silence, but not their usual comfortable silence. The air between them was tense, heavy with unspoken questions, no trace of their calm morning just barely an hour earlier. 

“I’ll walk you home,” Sungjin offered after paying for their breakfast, unable to think of anything else to say. He felt like he was going to be sick. 

“Are we really not talking about this?” Seo Yoon finally spoke up. 

“What is there to talk about?” 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked you to stay over, I knew you’d be like this,” Her fists clenched on her lap.

He froze at her words. This was the moment he has been dreading ever since he started this thing with Seo Yoon.

“Look, I-I don’t know how to deal with all this, it’s just so soon,” Sungjin was visibly frustrated. “Ah, this wasn’t a good idea after all,” He muttered under his breath. 

"This is your idea, Sungjin,” Her hands clutched the fabric of her sweatpants, biting abck tears, trying to hide the shaking in her voice. “Just tell me if you don’t wanna do this anymore,”

“It’s not that, please,” 

“Then what is it?” No answer. Sungjin stared at a spot on the table, avoiding her eyes. “Ok, so you still don't know what you want.”

He took a deep breath before reaching out and holding both her hands. “I’m sorry,” His voice was barely a whisper, memorizing the feeling of her hands in his just in case it will be the last time he will do so. Seo Yoon stayed still, her hands laying unmoving in his.

“I guess I’m dumb for thinking you want me the same way,”

The last he saw of her was her back when she was walking out the sliding doors of the small corner restaurant. His legs were too weak to follow her, and his heart was even weaker.

 


	5. What's so good about picking up the pieces?

The farthest Sungjin has gone with his attempts in contacting Seo Yoon again is a blinking cursor on his phone screen. It blinks and blinks endlessly, taunting him and driving the last bits of his sanity away. He couldn't bring himself to press the call icon next to her number either. What even is he supposed to say?

_ Take me back? _

_ Please forgive me, I actually love you?  _

He doesn't even know what exactly he wants. And if that last part is true or it's just his desperate subconscious talking. He's 101% sure he's not good for her either. Wasn't seeing him in his sorry state enough of a warning? They both knew they should have stayed away, yet they pushed their limits farther and farther to the breaking point. 

They weren't even  _ together _ , really. Then what were they? 

The four walls of his room seem to be getting closer and closer as each day passes. Everytime he's not at work, he has been hiding away in his apartment. Only these walls bear witness to his lowest point, and now he's spiraling back to the same place he started. Or maybe even lower than that. 

He was wrong in chasing a temporary high that he knew will end up crashing so hard and so soon. But it was so sweet, so powerful, so blinding that he chose to not see the consequences. He lost Seo Yoon's friendship along with himself. 

Notifications pile up in his phone, mostly his friends worrying where his is and why he's been missing from their weekend plans. But no sign of Seo Yoon's name anywhere. Maybe it's for the better. Maybe it's easier to forget her like this. It's much easier to stay away from her if she's also distancing herself on purpose. 

Then Sungjin remembered they share the same friends. Is she also as wrecked as he is? Is she also hiding away in her room, afraid to face him and everyone? Or has she already moved on with her life and is doing better without him in it? He hopes it's the latter. She doesn't deserve to have a burden like him holding her back. He doesn’t have the heart to ask, when he knows he's the one who caused her pain. 

 

Little by little, days trickle past him and numbness starts to take over the pain. Summer turned into autumn, and it's not yet winter but his heart remained frozen all throughout. Somehow, being numb is a lot scarier than being in pain. Sungjin wiped the shower steam of the mirror with the back of his hand, and looked closely at his reflection staring back at him. 

He doesn't know this person anymore. The outlines of his jaw and cheekbones have sharpened from all those days he forgot he's supposed to eat more than one meal a day. His hair is also growing longer, getting close to that awkward stage. Is he about to spiral into a full-on breakdown again? What is he gonna do this time? Go back to hooking up with random girls everytime he goes out again? It's old but it will do for now. It's not like he has any better ideas, and sulking in his room was not a good idea to begin with. 

More notifications on his phone popped up and remained untouched. After all this time, no one has had the guts to visit him during his absence. They know better than to try to communicate with him at this state, but he owed it to them to at least let them know he's okay. He snapped some photos, a view from outside his bedroom window then a half-eaten crab salad sandwich he bought from the convenience store down the street, and a top view of his bed with rumpled sheets that stayed cleaner for a longer time than before because no one is laying on them aside from himself. He posted them all at once in his Instagram stories. Immediately after posting, he closed the app and didn't bother checking who has seen and commented on his post. That should be enough to announce he's not dead, at least not physically.

Sungjin contemplated for a few more minutes and opened his messages app and stared at the conversations on the screen, all unread. As expected, Seo Yoon's was already drowned at the bottom, no new messages since the last one he sent since the night before their first and last breakfast together. Everyone else's messages filled up his inbox. Only a few ones from Brian and Jae who know him well enough to know when to give him space and when to barge in, just one from Dowoon saying  _ hyung, are you really ok? _ , and  _ oh my god _ , 126 from Wonpil. Why was he even surprised? 

It took him a great deal of effort to click on their group chat with more than a thousand unread messages. There was no way he'll be backreading that but he clicked on the blinking cursor and let his shaking fingers take the wheel. 

_ Kang Bra, Jae, Wonpil, Dowoonie, you up? _

It was the first text he has sent in weeks and they replied faster than teenage boys hitting on their crush. He hoped to not regret this impulsive decision. 

This night is too good to waste, and he's done drowning in his own thoughts and the silence of his apartment. Who better to call than these party animals? Even if it's 11pm or way past midnight, they're always down to have a good time and pick him up when he's down, even when he refuses to admit that he is. That's what he's best at anyway. Running and hiding. Running from his problems and hiding how helpless he is because he never wants to ask for any help. 

This isn't really called getting help, but at least he's now willing to talk to someone else other than his bedroom walls. 

As for actually picking himself up and getting his shit together, he has no idea. This is merely a distraction. He'll continue thinking about how he fucked up the one chance he got at moving on later. 


	6. Please come back to me

“Sungjinnie! We missed you!” He was so startled upon opening the door that he didn’t have the chance to berate Wonpil for calling him that dreaded nickname, even accepting Wonpil’s hug with no protest. And hugging Wonpil back, the younger’s eyes going wide in shock. What was happening to him? Sungjin has been trying really hard to go back to his normal self but he still often finds himself thrown off course a lot of times. 

For a change, they decided to spend their night at Jae’s place rather than their usual hangout spot. He may be ready to go out again but there’s no way he’s ready to go back to the place where this mess started. 

Chicken boxes and beer bottles filled the living room space and their laughter and conversation filled the usually quiet apartment, a welcome change to staring at his ceiling and feeling sorry for himself. 

As soon as he entered the room, it was like he never left. His absence hung heavy in the air but no one mentioned anything.

“Hyung! We missed you!” Dowoon’s voice boomed from the kitchen.

“Anything I missed?” Sungjin made his way to the empty space on the couch beside Brian and reached for a piece of chicken from the coffee table. 

“You, I missed you,” The night has just begun and Brian already seems to be drunk, giggling non-stop at his answer. 

“Bri what the hell, you’re taking the clingiest friend award from me,” Wonpil exclaimed with a pout, ensuing in a pillow fight between the two.

Sungjin shook his head with a smile, missing his friends’ chaos and leaned over the armrest to grab a bottle from the cooler. 

“Promise me you won’t drunk call her,” Jae pulled the bottle away from Sungjin, raising it beyond his reach. 

“Oooh, shit, that hurt,” Brian snickered behind his bottle. 

“Oh shut up… When did I ever drunk call anyone?” He scoffed, snatching the bottle from Jae’s hand and laughed at the thought of being desperate enough to beg for forgiveness over the phone while intoxicated. Though at that moment, he wouldn’t put it far beneath him to do just that.

“I guess you were too drunk to remember then,” Jae shrugged. “We’re just worried about you, we had no idea what you were up to when you were gone,”

“If I was too drunk to remember, then I don’t want to remember,”

“But you remember how it felt,” 

Sungjin just laughed dryly in response. Of course he remembers how it feels to be hopelessly stuck on someone. Seo Yoon won’t let him forget. The only difference now though, is that Seo Yoon was never even his to begin with, and he wasn’t sure if he wanted her back.

It’s for the best. For her own good. 

If he kept repeating it in his head it will start to become true. 

Sungjin snatched the bottle from Jae’s hands and took his first gulp of the night, eager to blackout so he can forget whatever hell he's in. 

“I'm okay now, don't worry so much about me,” Of course he won’t be doing anything stupid tonight. What dumb move is there even left to do when he’s probably done all of them?

Jae looked unconvinced like everyone else, but just nodded and opened another bottle. As much as Sungjin wanted to seek comfort in his best friends, it was hard when he himself couldn't put into words how he really felt, and what exactly he wanted. 

Now he’ll get her out of his system, that’s for sure. It only took one night to fuck him up, now it will only take him one more night to get up. Soon enough the feelings of wanting her, of wanting to chase her and have her even just for one last time will fade.

 

It didn’t. Even in his dreams, even as he woke up that morning with a pounding headache in a bed that’s not his, she’s the only thing filling his mind. Sungjin stumbled out of Jae’s guest room in a daze, being careful not to step on Wonpil and Brian on a mattress on the floor and knock over the bottles scattered around. Jae must be in his room, while Dowoon was in a very uncomfortable position on the couch with his legs against the backrest and his back on the floor. God, this place is a mess but he’s sure he’s much more of a wreck.

He helped Dowoon, still sleeping the entire time, to a more normal position on the couch first then headed home before anyone realizes how fucked up he actually is. 

Sungjin let the hot water run down his aching muscles, hoping it could also soothe his heart. It’s unfair. He deserved the pain, she didn’t. No amount of apologies can make her feel any less used and unwanted after that last morning they spent together.

That one morning, their first and also their last. His heart lurched at the sight of Seo Yoon dejected and disappointed, and he didn’t even want to think about how hurt she was when she walked away and he didn’t follow. He should have, he really should have,

He picked up his phone again, staring at her number on the screen until the digits started swirling in his vision and making him want to throw up.

After all this time, is he ready to break down his walls? And all for one person. She took the risk, so why couldn’t he? Even if she couldn't take him back, she at least deserved an apology.

It was overwhelming, everything conflicting, all the thoughts swirling inside his head. He just doesn’t want another reckless move, another mistake that will hurt her again. He has hurt her too many times now and he wouldn’t be able to forgive himself if he adds another one to his long list of fuck-ups. 

Sungjin buried his face into his palms, thinking about the bright smile and carefree laugh and soft touches he missed so much. 

If it’s for Seo Yoon then it’s a risk he could take even if his head is screaming no. 

With that, he’s out the door with his heart on his sleeve and car keys in his hand.

**Author's Note:**

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